Sometimes we just need someone to listen

The first was an interview I watched with someone I've followed and admired for many years. He's lived an adventurous life, challenged himself in ways most of us probably wouldn't dream of, and has never been particularly interested in following the conventional path. That's one of the things I've always admired about him.

He was being interviewed by a friend of mine, someone I've actually spent time coaching, and during their conversation the subject of life coaching came up.
His view was quite simple. Nobody needs a life coach. We can all work things out for ourselves.

Now, I don't have a problem with someone having that opinion. In fact, I can understand where he's coming from. He's spent much of his life figuring things out, taking risks, making decisions, and finding his own way. And clearly, that approach has served him well.

But I found myself questioning something.

Just because that's been his experience, does it mean everyone else experiences life in the same way? I've met plenty of people who are very capable of making their own decisions, dealing with difficult situations, and finding their way through life. I've also met people who, despite appearing to have everything under control, are carrying things they've never really had an opportunity to talk about.

And sometimes those are the very same people.

The second experience happened during one of my TikTok Lives. I was having a conversation with a woman who has joined me on several occasions. She's been going through a particularly difficult period in her life, and on this occasion she shared something deeply personal that she hadn't felt comfortable discussing with the people closest to her. Not because she didn't have people who cared about her, but because she didn't want them feeling sorry for her. Yet somehow, during our conversations, she'd found somewhere she felt comfortable enough to talk.

I don't take that lightly. I wasn't there to tell her what to do. I certainly didn't have any answers that would magically make what she was experiencing disappear. We were simply having a conversation, and she was able to say things she'd been carrying around with her.

Shortly afterwards, someone joined the Live and began having a go at life coaches. He'd only caught a small part of my conversation with the lady, particularly where I'd shared a couple of stories about other people's experiences. He was angry, questioning what I knew, why I thought I was qualified to speak about such things, and generally dismissing the whole idea of life coaching. What struck me was how quickly he'd formed an opinion without really knowing what the conversation had been about.

I tried to listen and understand where he was coming from. He mentioned having experienced some painful losses in his own life, and I could hear that there was a lot of frustration behind what he was saying.

But I also found myself getting upset.

Not particularly because he was criticising me. People are entitled to their opinions, and I don't expect everyone to agree with what I do. It was more the timing of it.
I'd just been part of a conversation with someone who needed to be heard. Someone who, for her own reasons, hadn't felt able to share what was happening in her life with those closest to her. And here was someone telling me that people like me had nothing to offer.I eventually blocked him, not because he disagreed with me, but because there comes a point when a conversation stops being a conversation.

I've thought about both experiences quite a bit since. And I think what troubles me is this idea that because we've managed to work something out for ourselves, everyone else should be able to do the same. We don't all have the same upbringing, experiences, confidence, circumstances, or people around us. Some of us have families and friends we can talk openly with. Others have people around them but still feel there's nowhere they can really say what's on their mind.

Some people are comfortable sitting with their thoughts and finding their own answers. Others find it helpful to hear those thoughts out loud, to have someone ask a question or simply reflect back what they've heard.

Neither approach makes someone stronger or weaker.

I've often described the way I coach as walking beside someone. I'm not there to lead them down a particular path or tell them which direction to take. I'm there to listen, ask questions when appropriate, and give them the space to work through whatever it is they want to explore. And quite often, people already know far more about their own situation than they initially realise.They don't necessarily need somebody else's answers. They need the opportunity to hear their own.

But this isn't really about coaching, is it?

It's about how easily we can look at life through the lens of our own experiences and assume that what works for us should work for everybody else. I've probably been guilty of that myself over the years. It's easy to tell someone what we'd do in their situation. Much harder to recognise that we're not actually living their life, carrying their responsibilities or experiencing what they're feeling.

And perhaps that's where listening becomes so important.

Not listening while preparing what we're going to say next. Not listening so we can offer a solution or tell someone about a similar experience we've had. Just listening because another person has something they want to share.

I still admire the man in that interview. One opinion doesn't undo the years I've enjoyed following his adventures or the things I've taken from his approach to life.
And I don't believe everyone needs a life coach. I've never believed that.

But I do believe we all need human connection, even if what that looks like is different for each of us. What concerns me about the idea that we should all be able to work everything out ourselves is that it can leave people feeling they ought to manage everything alone. And from the conversations I've had, I know that some people already feel very alone with what they're carrying.

I keep coming back to that woman on my Live.

She wasn't asking me to fix her life. She wasn't expecting me to make everything better. She simply wanted somewhere she felt comfortable enough to share her story.
And for that moment, I was able to be there and listen.

I think sometimes we underestimate just how much that can mean.

Have a good Wednesday.

Stefan